Cultivating Conscious Relationships
Consider the (mis)adventures of Wile E. Coyote, who is perpetually chasing the Road Runner. As the chase reaches the edge of a giant canyon, Mr. Coyote barrels over the cliff while the Road Runner stops short, watching his nemesis fall. An incessant chase. . . and perpetual near miss.
This is not to say that reaching for things in life — relationships, careers, or anything else — is necessarily bad, or that these things are not part of the search for God in our hearts. But one of the things we incessantly chase and get tangled up in is relationships. Instead of allowing our relationships to be the expression of life’s abundance, we get caught in the chase.
Attempting to find fulfillment, happiness, or joy anywhere outside ourselves stems from our misunderstanding, based on dualistic consciousness. As nondualists, we must come to realize that everything is an expression of the simple, profound beauty of life, and we should endeavor to cultivate and celebrate that abundance.
What Is True Fulfillment?
Relationships can be profoundly fulfilling, but they can’t bring us fulfillment — particularly when, instead of simply expressing love, we start adding conditions and requirements. If the celebration of life is not apparent in your relationships, it’s important to investigate why that’s the case. It may be that you require the people in your life to change, in order for you to love them — and this really means that it is you who is unwilling to change. Ask yourself what you’re not bringing to the relationship. Have you stopped bringing that simple love? Engaging from the place of fullness that is always present within will help you overcome all difficulty and misunderstandings.
The biggest person you can be is the person you need to bring to your relationships: Someone who is willing to love others without expecting them to change or to “earn” your love. When you apply the concept that love brought you together and integrate that into everything in the relationship — and in your life — things will blossom.
You’ll see that the perpetual chase is not the exalted expression of abundance, but rather an attempt to find fulfillment in something outside yourself. If you expect your partner to fulfill you, you’re setting yourself up for failure. The purpose of relationships is to grow your own capacity to give, as wells as to share the abundance that is already within you.
Do Not Make Love Conditional
People take vows of intention when they get married. One of those vows is, “I love you and always will, in spite of your shortcomings.” Over time that sweet resonance may begin to change because the person we married may be different from who we thought they were. We begin to focus on what the other person will not do for us, or how they did not change according to our expectations. Our initial vow of unconditional love may be diminished by the judgment we feel, to the extent that we might start to feel contempt or even hatred toward our partner.
But you can decide to hold on to love, even when your partner is not the person you want them to be all the time. Don’t get bogged down in the details of daily life. If you value your relationship, don’t get caught up in the contraction of what it is not. Instead, bring the joy and freedom ever-present within you and offer that, instead of making demands.
This doesn’t mean you can’t ever ask someone to make changes in how they behave or what they bring to the relationship. But also ask yourself where such requests come from. If they come from a place of openness and love, your partner will be more likely to hear you. If not, they’re likely to feel attacked or rejected, and shut down. Letting go of this chase means you also avoid the perpetual near misses.
The Gift of Relationships
The purpose of relationships is to expand our own capacity to love and share. Instead of approaching the other person with demands, or continually evaluating your partner from a stance of “I’ll love you if…” try asking yourself this question: “What is this relationship showing me about my inability or unwillingness to give without condition?”
When we get bigger inside and become filled with joy, we can bring inner experience that to our relationships. Be willing to love the person you say you love, and don’t expect or require that they change in order for you to keep loving them. Then you can face all the difficulties, challenges, and misunderstandings from that simple, full place within you.
I learned long ago that in relationships it’s best to “share the love and skip the rest.” Whenever I’ve been honored to officiate at a wedding, I always conclude with those words. Isn’t this why we come together? Remember: love frees everything it touches.